It's been a while. I've still been sorting everything out. The sessions with my therapist have just ended, but I'm not distraught. I thought I would be, but I'm not, which is sort of puzzling. I'm guessing that as I heal, I no longer feel the desperation to have any sort of connection. I think I'm developing the maturity to realise when something has ended and to let it go without a mental tantrum. I know that I'm going to be okay.
I'm feeling more at peace now. It seems like I'm reintegrating myself. I'm no longer fighting with my own mind or emotions. For so long, I was fractured. I was trying to force myself into an ideal that, subconsciously, I thought would bring me less pain. It took a long time to figure out that it only brought me more pain.
I need to get this out. If you feel broken in your mind, it could be that you're trying too hard to be someone you're not. I'm not going to be deluded enough to say that's the case for everyone, but I think it's worth it to ask yourself if you're forcing yourself to be something against your true nature. I know people have to make compromises and sacrifices to get along in the world, but please, find a way to get back to who you're meant to be.
A piece of my life was hacked off and beaten so that I could realise who I am. I don't want it to happen to anyone else. I know it will happen, but if what I say can minimise the damage, then it's worth it.
2014-04-05
Knitting Myself Together
2014-03-25
A New Beginning
I guess I should introduce myself. My name is Jon-Michael Windsor. I live in Fort McMurray, Alberta but St. John's, Newfoundland is where I'd call home. I'm trying to move back there, so if you anyone who's looking for a house in Fort McMurray, let me know.
Recently, after going through a lot of self-exploration and therapy, I've come to the realisation that I don't particularly care for working with people.
I was an outcast growing up for various reasons. I was put ahead two grades, which separated me from most people. People can be very intimidated by that. My father was a pastor in a different denomination, which put constant pressure on me to be as perfect as possible as well as inviting discrimination. We moved a lot, so I didn't bother too much with making friends.
My solution to all of this was to separate and bury my emotions. I had a mantra: "I am amongst them, but I am not of them." I learned to emotionally cut off and discard people since it was less painful. I got into working with computers. Programming, building, repairing; I even went to university for Computer Engineering. I flunked out; I had nervous breakdowns. Because I still had to deal with people, and with my own self-loathing, from buying into the concept that different was wrong.
Subconsciously, I tried to become "normal." That resulted in the past fifteen years of depression, anxiety, and spates of suicidal thoughts. I kept trying to be normal, work at normal jobs, and fit in with normal people. And that made me ill.
Having a normal job meant being beholden to people to whom I was constantly having to explain things. I was subject to people who acted only on emotion, rather than logic, and forcing their will on others due to their own egos. I saw people in power due only to their popularity, rather than their competence. I saw solutions just out of my grasp, held back by bickering, power struggles, and bureaucracy. I could see what needed to be done, and had no power to do it.
I know to some this must sound egotistical. Believe me, there's not much left to my ego. I'm only just beginning to get my self-esteem back. I'm as flawed as the next man. I can assimilate information and figure some things out more quickly. That's all. Other people are physically stronger. Other people can navigate and utilise people in a way I don't understand and have no desire to do. I am not greater nor less than anyone else. I am only different. And I am beginning to accept that.
So I have to do something else. I want to create. I want to educate. I want to leave a mark. I want to be heard. I want at least one person to accept who I am, as I am.
I think writing is the way I need to go. It feels right. The release; the regaining of my internal balance that I'm feeling right now I feel is evidence of that. I'm going to post stories, but some personal things from time to time as well.
It's time. No more fear. No more anger. No more self-hatred. It's time to step out this cave and into the light.
Recently, after going through a lot of self-exploration and therapy, I've come to the realisation that I don't particularly care for working with people.
I was an outcast growing up for various reasons. I was put ahead two grades, which separated me from most people. People can be very intimidated by that. My father was a pastor in a different denomination, which put constant pressure on me to be as perfect as possible as well as inviting discrimination. We moved a lot, so I didn't bother too much with making friends.
My solution to all of this was to separate and bury my emotions. I had a mantra: "I am amongst them, but I am not of them." I learned to emotionally cut off and discard people since it was less painful. I got into working with computers. Programming, building, repairing; I even went to university for Computer Engineering. I flunked out; I had nervous breakdowns. Because I still had to deal with people, and with my own self-loathing, from buying into the concept that different was wrong.
Subconsciously, I tried to become "normal." That resulted in the past fifteen years of depression, anxiety, and spates of suicidal thoughts. I kept trying to be normal, work at normal jobs, and fit in with normal people. And that made me ill.
Having a normal job meant being beholden to people to whom I was constantly having to explain things. I was subject to people who acted only on emotion, rather than logic, and forcing their will on others due to their own egos. I saw people in power due only to their popularity, rather than their competence. I saw solutions just out of my grasp, held back by bickering, power struggles, and bureaucracy. I could see what needed to be done, and had no power to do it.
I know to some this must sound egotistical. Believe me, there's not much left to my ego. I'm only just beginning to get my self-esteem back. I'm as flawed as the next man. I can assimilate information and figure some things out more quickly. That's all. Other people are physically stronger. Other people can navigate and utilise people in a way I don't understand and have no desire to do. I am not greater nor less than anyone else. I am only different. And I am beginning to accept that.
So I have to do something else. I want to create. I want to educate. I want to leave a mark. I want to be heard. I want at least one person to accept who I am, as I am.
I think writing is the way I need to go. It feels right. The release; the regaining of my internal balance that I'm feeling right now I feel is evidence of that. I'm going to post stories, but some personal things from time to time as well.
It's time. No more fear. No more anger. No more self-hatred. It's time to step out this cave and into the light.
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